


Shot Through the Heart

by ShadowBlazer



Series: AU Collection [2]
Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Absurd, Alternate Universe - Crack, Bad Matchmaking, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Humor, Matchmaking, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29442630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowBlazer/pseuds/ShadowBlazer
Summary: [Oneshot - Dating Service AU] V gets forcibly recruited to help Lizzy Wizzy get the love of her life.A direct continuation of the Bakery AU.“V thinks over all of her dating woes with Judy, and she considers that after all of their difficulty, she's grateful at least that they're not both homicidal cyborgs in love.”
Relationships: Adam Smasher/Lizzy Wizzy, Judy Alvarez/V
Series: AU Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2162631
Comments: 14
Kudos: 70





	Shot Through the Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Halifax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halifax/gifts).



> I suggested a quick one-shot for Valentine's Day to Halifax involving the shipping plotline from the last chapter of the Bakery AU. Halifax was properly horrified, so, of course, I had to do it. Thank you to her for her constant support, even in the pursuit of bizarre and strange ideas. Happy Valentine's Day to you.
> 
> Note: There is minor Judy/V in this, but since it's a direct continuation of the Bakery AU, I just added it.
> 
> Also, Adam Smasher/Lizzy Wizzy wasn't a ship tag that existed before this. I'm so sorry.

Shortly after the firefight at Afterlife and the resulting evacuation, V waits outside with Panam and Jackie, watching the building burn when she gets a call from Lizzy Wizzy. “We don’t work for you anymore,” V tells her.

“I know. I need to hire your services.” 

V raises an eyebrow. “The ones for baking?”

“No, the ones you offered prior to that.” Lizzy glowers. “I did read your employee records that I made when I took over.” She glances around on her side of the screen. “I need your help to get Adam Smasher’s attention. I think...I might be in love.”

V promptly hangs up and watches Rogue chase down Johnny Silverhand in her car instead. No good is going to come out of that request.

It doesn’t stop Lizzy Wizzy from calling half a dozen times again over the next hour or sending an elite merc crew to kidnap V when she’s at brunch with Jackie and Panam.

Jackie chases after the fleeing car, firing at the wheels. “Hey! She’s ours! Give her back.”

Panam’s sniper shot nearly shatters the back window, and the car skids along the street, taking a wild turn as it hits the acceleration. V nods off in the back, the chloroform already taking its toll. 

Still a normal day compared to working at the bakery.

When she wakes, she finds herself in a blue-tinted room, tied to a chair with a feeling of fuzzy cotton in her mouth. 

The door clicks open, and V sluggishly turns her head to see Lizzy Wizzy walk in alone, her expression neutral. Her heels click on the floor as she approaches. “I’m sorry to have to resort to this, but I had to get your attention.” She glances down at her captive. “So, things have come full circle. You kidnap a food critic and, in turn, get kidnapped yourself.”

V mumbles, waking up slowly, “I didn’t even abduct Takemura. That was all Kerry.”

“Details.” Lizzy kneels in front of V. “I need your help. Otherwise, I may die of a broken heart.”

V rolls her eyes. “Tragic.”

Lizzy taps her finger against her jaw. “What if I offer a substantial amount of money if you succeed? You still need eddies to live, and you have my word that neither my sweetheart Adam nor I will bother you again.”

V makes a face, opening her mouth to answer when she recalls Panam looking for gigs. A pang of guilt strikes her when she remembers that she and Jackie are reason number one why she doesn’t currently have a job. “Fine, but this is the last time you contact me.”

Lizzy nods happily before taking out a large pair of shears and freeing V instead of cutting off her fingers like she expected.

...V needs to lay off the horror vids.

After stumbling out of a sketchy building in Northside, she calls Jackie and Panam to let her know what’s up and what they’re getting into.

Jackie laughs hysterically on the phone when he finds out what Lizzy hired her for. “Chica, you couldn’t even get your own girl without a handful of people jumping in. How are you gonna help someone else find a date?”

“Give her a chance, Jackie.” Panam pushes in beside him. “And also, how many eddies we talking?”

V forwards the promised amount, and Panam’s eyes pop open. “Guess that’s a yes for taking on this gig,” she sighs, texting Judy that she’ll be busy today, helping lonely cyborgs fall in love. 

Judy responds back with a “...just don’t get shot.” V takes that as permission to continue, though she makes no promises.

She calls Takemura while waiting for Panam and Jackie to pick her up, only to receive a flat “No” instantly, followed up by the words, “DECENT DAIFUKU NIGHT CITY.” V messages him back, promising to teach him how to properly use his phone if he helps set up a meeting with Adam Smasher. When Takemura sends her a text for “DANGO DAMMIT NIGHT CITY”, V patiently points out that she is not the search function. 

Takemura gives in and sends her a file of Smasher’s schedule for the week, which includes a day off going around the city tomorrow. He arranges a time to meet up with V later, both to go over the fundamentals of his phone and figure out a time for that food review collaboration that V is desperately trying to avoid.

By the time her friends arrive, V has created a rudimentary plan for getting Smasher alone with as little chance of having her head crushed by him as possible. Panam nods along when V relays what’s going on as they drive back to the city. “So, you basically want us to tail you to make sure he doesn’t kill you when you talk to him.”

“Pretty much.” V wonders if she should let Judy know about her idea before shrugging. If V dies on the job...well, at least her output can’t kill her twice. “I figured I have the highest chance to succeed, since I’m the…” V glances at both of them. “...the most tactful.”

Panam shrugs. “Yup.”

Jackie furrows his brows. “Hey, I got a way with words too. Did I tell you about the joke with the rockerboy and—”

“He wasn’t chippin’ in,” V interjects with the punchline before turning to Panam. “Right. So, just follow him from afar and get ready to pull him off of me if things go south.”

“You realize he’ll kill you faster than we can get there, right?” Panam points out.

V pauses. “Okay, just stay right behind me. Don’t be seen.”

They go over the routes and what V should say to Smasher for the day until the next morning where V stalks the cyborg across from his place of residence in Westbrook. Smasher is out and about an hour after the sun rises while V’s already hopped up on two cups of coffee and mild terror. From afar, she gets a chance to properly scan him now that he’s not crashing a moment between her and Judy: full cyborg body with a heavily modified Samson frame, two sets of interface plugs, chip slot, pain editors, link set, optics suite, cyberaudio, wolvers in both arms, quickchange mounts, radiation shielding, biopod, etc.

Smasher has 5% of his original body left, which is incredibly creepy for V, but if it floats Lizzy’s boat...

Stepping out of his apartment, Smasher enters his vehicle, an armoured mini-tank that seems to take no issue with crushing over smaller vehicles in its way. Seems Smasher has some driving habits in common with Panam. 

V takes off, following him as he heads off on his errands, starting with a Japantown tour before meandering across the city.

Throughout her day of stalking Smasher as he goes to his gym and tune-up routine, V accidentally crushes a car at Clouds with the license plate “M4IK0” with her own vehicle, gets into a philosophical debate with some monks in a park, and unintentionally buys the MaiMai while fumbling with her phone. Judy messages her later, hearing about someone destroying her ex’s car. V wonders which one she’s referring to, though Judy merely responds with a smiley face.

V zips through the streets in her tiny car, trailing Adam at a reasonable distance while slightly ramming cars that seem determined to throw themselves in her way. Smasher stops at the piers near the western side of the city, getting out of his car and walking up to the beginning of the docks. He waits, and V realizes that he knows she’s been following him. Swallowing, she gets out of the car and carefully creeps up to him, the man only acknowledging her presence when she gets within dashing distance.

“So,” Smasher turns around, “you finally came for your cake review.”

V pauses. She already forgot about that. 

“Seven out of ten for flavour. Four out of ten for the stickiness of the frosting. It made it hard to clean out of my armour afterwards.” Smasher sneers. “You can tell Takemura to shove his Japanese elitism where it belongs.”

V shudders. She really didn’t need to know that. “It’s not about the cake.” Pausing, she takes a moment to think about what she’s about to say. “You know, Mr. Smasher, you’re a handsome and capable cyborg. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have someone by your side who just gets your murderous impulses?”

Smasher leans back, looking as thoughtful as a man made of 95% metal could. “I have thought about a companion of sorts. A caddy. Someone who can admire my moments of rampaging brilliance, but a genius like me is unrivalled in Night City.” Smasher glares. “And I don’t want the competition.”

V shakes her head. “Of course not. I’m not saying find someone who would try to beat you. More like someone who could complete you. Someone worth your time. Who can elevate your vision to something special while enjoying a nice romantic stroll by the bay. And that person, the right one for you, is none other than superstar phenomenon Lizzy Wizzy.”

When Adam stares, V continues. “Now, hear me out. When you first think of Lizzy Wizzy, you think ‘airhead’ and ‘homicidal psycho’, but the reality is...not that far from the truth. But here is the thing that makes Lizzy stand out from all those weird women who send you fan letters from prison: she’s got connections, and she has ambition. Surely, you, Adam Smasher, greatest psychopath of our age, can appreciate a similar mind—one is dying for a...duet with someone of a like caliber. There is nothing worse than being alone with no one to appreciate your genius.”

V’s really good at this. She should go into sales or something.

Smasher gazes at her, silent. “You speak some sense. I grow bored of applauding myself at times, but this Lizzy Wizzy, she is not made of meat, correct?”

“She was, but she saw the wisdom of chrome and metal over...uh...the weakness of organic flesh.”

He nods. “She is sagely beyond her years. I shall meet her and decide.” 

V gives him two thumbs’ up. “Great. I’ll go set that up and—what?” She squints when Smasher awkwardly holds out a device with his metal skeletal fingers.

“My number. Call me.” He pauses. “Oh, and your friends should really hide themselves better.”

V drives away from the meeting with Adam Smasher’s personal contact on her device, which doesn’t bother her as much as it should, save for the fact that Smasher thinks that the only way to communicate is via caps lock. She meets up with Panam and Jackie a few blocks away with both looking relieved that V’s skull is still in its original shape. “Okay, time to wrap this all up.”

The three of them invite Smasher and Lizzy to meet on the outskirts of North York in front of an abandoned theatre that would give them all some privacy. Smasher arrives first in his mini-crush-everyone-mobile, and he stares at the three of them as they stand awkwardly underneath the ancient outdoor screen, waiting for Lizzy.

He looks over them before nodding thoughtfully. “Two minutes.”

V startles. “What?”

“That’s how long you three would last with me.”

They’re saved from responding when Lizzy shows up in a dark vehicle with tinted glass, removing a hat and sunglasses when she emerges and tossing them back onto her seat. “I’m glad I can finally remove that disguise.”

V wonders why Lizzy bothers. She clears her throat. “Adam, meet Lizzy. Lizzy, meet Adam. Both of you are single and ready to mingle. And...go.”

She steps back, and Panam yanks her close, hissing in her ear. “That was your intro speech?”

Lizzy glances up at Smasher, lips opening slightly. “Adam, since the moment we met, you captivated me. Something about you spoke of a life lived with a lot of violence, of darkness, and it...compels me to come closer.” She steps literally closer. “I’ve looked into you. A long list of military service and bodyguard work, you never took a gig that didn’t require some level of collateral damage and...accidental deaths.” Her eyelashes flutter together. “I get why you do it—the thrills of a spinal column unintentionally snapping beneath your hands, the feeling of victory as you get closer to comprehending human mortality. It is art in its sheerest form, and you are an auteur of the spectacle that is life.” 

Adam Smasher looks at her, his eyes opening wider. “I thought only I understood the joys of civilian casualties. I thought I was alone.” He reaches out to grasp her hand. “Perhaps, I have found...my other half.”

V glances back at Jackie who makes a face like he’s trying to hold in a scream.

Smasher continues, “I think we can come together for the mutual purpose of murder, and maybe...something can come about.” He touches her cheek, and Lizzy sighs.

V gags, but she holds it in professionally when Lizzy turns to her, holding hands with Smasher. “Thank you. You really are something else when it comes to match-making.”

“Please don’t say that. With my luck, it’s bound to come back and bite me in the ass.” V glances down as Lizzy happily transfers the credits before she and Adam take their leave. She’s pretty sure she’s just unleashed some horrible evil upon Night City and, in general, the world. Also, that Lizzy low-key confessed to the killing of her ex-boyfriend, but when her new beau is Murder-O-Matic 5000, V’s inclined to let it slide.

V thinks over all of her dating woes with Judy, and she considers that after all their difficulty, she's grateful at least that they're not both homicidal cyborgs in love.

Once they both leave, Panam checks her phone. “She sent over a lot of eddies. Hmmm…” She strokes her chin. “This could be a lucrative business opportunity. People are desperate and horny in Night City.”

Jackie hops on the spot. “Ooh! Ooh! Can I join? I have so many ideas.”

Panam snaps her fingers and points at him. “Done. Event manager.”

“What are you then?” V asks.

“General business manager.” Panam puts her hands on her hips. “Consider it a self-promotion.”

V rolls her eyes. “Well, you two have fun. I’m going back to Judy’s place.”

“Where are you going? We need you. You attract the weirdest shit.” Panam crosses her arms. “You’re marketing.”

Jackie puts his hands together. “Please, chica. We do everything as a team, and this sounds so fun. We can be the three amigos! Eh, remember who helped you get new teeth after that club brawl.”

“Jackie, don’t you dare guilt-trip me into getting into another one of your—“ V pinches the bridge of her nose. “Fuck. Fine. I’m going to somehow get involved anyway even if I don’t want to.”

“Excellent.” Panam smiles behind her hand. “We’ll call our service Cinder to represent the flames of attraction burning.”

V grimaces. “Let me write the tagline. Please.” She gazes up into the Night City skyline, wondering how popular a dating service in Night City could be and which weirdos would actually use one made by three mercs. 

After pondering it over, V shrugs before heading out with Jackie and Panam, excitedly talking about which features they could offer, including lunchtime arrangements. 

It’s not the worst thing she’s done.

She thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most absurd thing I've ever written, so I'm proud of myself?


End file.
